| I wonder where they went |
[May. 15th, 2007|03:27 pm] |
Shoreleave today, and I left the ship and went to a bar called "Mareschal" where I found two very pretty girls unattended. I went over to them and the conversation went like this:
Me: Hello, girls! Are you all alone?
PG1: No, there are two of us.
Me: I like a woman with wit.
PG2: Is she not here today?
Me: Two such pretty girls shouldn't be alone. Can I buy you a drink?
PG1: Can I pour it over you?
Me: Feeling frisky, are you?
PG2: He obviously doesn't get subtle hints.
At this point they whispered for a while, then:
PG1: Want to go somewhere more secluded?
Me: Fine!
PG1: Go to that storage area across the avenue. Take off all your clothes and then whistle.
Naturally, I did as they said. Something must have delayed them, though. Instead of two nubile beauties, my whistle attracted a very interested man who made an indecent suggestion. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2007|09:58 pm] |
| A Bit Different From The Norm =] | | Basic Bullshit. | | What's your name?: | Jarvik | | Your age would be nice to know.: | Old enough | | Are you single or taken?: | I do the taking | | Randomization. | | What is your least favorite color?: | Pink | | What is the last thing on earth that you would like to do right now?: | Read a romance | | What clothes are you wearing?: | My uniform! | | What color is your bedroom?: | Not my choice. | | What is your least favorite food?: | Anything delicate and girly. | | What is your favorite food?: | MEAT | | And your least favorite drink would be...?: | Nasty soppy drinks with cherries | | In all honesty does myspace take up a great deal of your life?: | No | | If you could be any age, what would it be?: | 20 | | Are you satisfied with the way you look and act?: | Yes. I am impressive. | | Is Bzoink a website that you visit often?: | No. | | Do you do drugs and/or alcohol on a regular basis?: | I'm a Federation man, what do you think? | | Do you think you are capable of not eating for 5 days?: | Yes. I am tough | | What food and drink could you live off for the rest of your life?: | Meat and beer | | Boys and Girls Are Fun. | | Do looks really matter?: | Yes | | Does size really matter?: | Yes | | Have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend?: | Girlfriends, lots. | | If so, how long was that relationship?: | Mostly overnight | | What is your longest?: | Two days. | | What quality do you find most attractive in a boy/girl?: | Active legs, inactive brain | | Are you a virgin?: | No | | If you are not, do you regret doing it with the person you lost "it" to?: | No | | If you are a virgin, are you in a rush to not be one anymore?: | | | Is PDA disgusting?: | I don't know him/her/it. | | Is there anything that you would change about your significant other?: | Don't have one | | Do you think you could marry a high school sweetheart?: | I don't think the teachers would let me | | Would you ever consider having a long distance relationship?: | No. | | Long or Short hair?: | Either | | Blue eyes or Brown eyes?: | Either | | Tan or light skin?: | Either | | Looks or Brains?: | Looks. Who needs a woman that thinks? | | Words Associations Are The Best! | | Orange.: | toolbox | | Cell phone.: | prison communicator | | Break.: | Bend | | Music.: | Soppy | | Samantha.: | ????? | | Love.: | Soft | | Time.: | Wasting | | Crash.: | smash | | Home.: | A woman's place | | Animals.: | What real men are | | Sleep.: | lightly | | Sex.: | MALE | | Death.: | Doesn't scare me | | Long Distance.: | weaponry | | Winner.: | takes all | | Gold.: | medallion | | Goodbye.: | and thanks for last night, whoever you are | | Running.: | from girly stuff | | Lie.: | low | | This or That. | | 7up or Sprite?: | I'd rather drink coolant | | Coke or Pepsi?: | As above | | Boy or Girl?: | Girls are better for amusement, boys are better for fighting | | Run or Swim?: | Either | | Drive or Fly?: | Fly | | Ferrari or Corvet?: | ??? | | VW or Ford?: | Fords are better for crossing rivers. | | Cellular Device or Computer?: | Hate both | | Sex or Foreplay?: | Sex. What is this thing called foreplay? | | O.C.D or A.D.D?: | ???????? | | Boyfriend/Girlfriend or Friend?: | Friend. Two men, discussing man stuff, like how to hunt wildebeest | | Mom or Dad?: | Neither | | Brother or Sister?: | Neither | | Food or Drink?: | Both | | Friends Aren't So Fun Sometimes. | | Do you have any friends that you cannot depend on?: | Yes. Many vanish just when it's their round | | Do you have a best friend whom you can depend on?: | No. | | Do you have more male or female friends?: | Of course. Can't be friends with totty. | | Are they crazy or quiet, or both?: | Both | | Is your best friend your boyfriend/girlfriend?: | No. Weird idea | | Do you sometimes hate your friends?: | Yes | | How long is your longest friendship?: | Six years | | Do you and your friends take myspace pictures together?: | No | | What do you and your friends normally do when you hang out?: | Drink, talk about women, wrestle a bit. | | What is your best friend's name?: | Madrus | | How old is he/she?: | 36 | | Are You Afraid Of... | | Death?: | NO | | Flying?: | NO | | Birds?: | NO | | Dogs?: | NO | | The Light?: | NO | | Drowning?: | NO | | Crossing bridges?: | NO | | Life?: | NO | | PDA?: | ???? | | Crossing the street?: | NO | | Walking around alone?: | NO. I am a lone wolf | | The dark?: | NO | | Cemetaries?: | NO | | Physically fighting?: | I love it | | Confrontation?: | NO | | The opposite sex?: | Scared of totty? That's stupid. | Take this survey | Find more surveys | MySpace Surveys
Bzoink - The Original Survey Site |
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| Overheard. |
[Apr. 4th, 2007|12:13 am] |
I was compared to a wild animal today. One officer said he'd heard I fought like one. His friend then said he heard I ate like one and then the first said I certainly smell like one. Clearly they have recognised the power of my inner beast.
Who says eavesdroppers hear no good of themselves. One also said I was "unique, and most unlikely to breed." He must have seen that I am not made for the soft pursuits of family and home. I am a wild man. |
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| A Colour Meme |
[Mar. 21st, 2007|11:57 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indifferent | ] |
RED
1. Closest red thing to you? A notebook containing my notes for "Men and the Art of Manliness". I don't trust computers.
2. Last thing to make you angry? People who snigger.
3. Do you have a temper? Yes. I am a real man with real manly responses and I get ANGRY!
4. Are you a fan of romance? That's for girls!.
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| Tahe. |
[Mar. 15th, 2007|11:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
There are two cadets on this ship now. One is in awe of me and asks me often for advice, the other seems to be sniggering whenever I go past. His name is Tahe.
Yesterday, Tahe was sent to help me. He worked hard and well, but said little. When we stopped for a break, I asked him if he disliked me and he said, "My mother told me not to talk to strange men, and you're the strangest so far." He was a bit girly in appearance, so I assumed he must be nervous, being near such a dominant male, but then he said, "Why do you do all this macho stuff? You seem to be overcompensating for something."
"Are you suggesting," I said, "That I have some reason to overcompensate?"
He smiled and said, "You? You're as butch as Oscar Wilde!"
I didn't recognise the name, but it does sound a good virile name with no hint of girliness, so I thanked him. He sniggered again.
"What are you laughing at?" I asked.
He shrugged and said, "Just the vicissitudes of life."
"Oh, them." I said, "They're buggers, aren't they?"
He went off sniggering. I can't decide if he's making fun of me. |
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| Men and Women |
[Mar. 30th, 2006|02:14 pm] |
I am often asked, "Jarvik, what makes a man manly and a woman womanly?"
Here are some gender differences.
Women ask directions. Men know the way.
Women cry. Men give a manly shrug.
Women fall in love. Men spread their seed.
Women are feeble. Men are strong.
Women are pretty. Men are rugged.
Women cannot do technical things. Men can.
All women secretly want to nurture offspring. All men find this degrading and boring and would rather be drinking.
Women are emotional. Men are rational.
Women are friendly towards one another (a harem or herd mentality). Men are rivals.
Women speak in complicated codes. Men are simple and straightforward.
Women are deceitful. Men are honourable.
Women want to be mastered. Men want to be obeyed.
Women gossip. Men speak meaningfully about serious things.
Women are nervous. Men are fearless. |
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| My Complaint |
[Mar. 16th, 2006|09:25 am] |
As I feared, my complaint about the female technician was treated as if it were just time-wasting nonsense. I even got called into my superior's quarters and he asked why I made the complaint. I told him that she was meant to be inspecting the work of male technicians.
"She is a technician." he said.
Well, yes, she has had some technical training, but she cannot, by definition, be called a craftsman. I knew that telling him that would be useless so I decided to keep it basic. "Women," I said, "Are not the same as men."
"I applaud your discovery, Jarvik." he said.
"Smaller brains, smaller hands." I elaborated.
"Her qualifications are better than yours."
"I worked for mine."
"Meaning?"
"She's attractive. She didn't need to work."
He sighed and stared off into the distance and I knew he was beginning to reflect upon the folly of having totty on ships. After a while he said, "Jarvik, have you ever actually spoken to a woman?"
"Many times." I said.
"I mean something more than crude suggestions and implying that they shouldn't be here. Have you ever discussed philosophy or politics with a woman?"
"No mental capacity for it, sir." I said, imagining trying to make the average woman understand such lofty things.
He sighed again, "Probably not. By the way, she said she was propositioned by a crude and offensive creep."
"Pure fantasy, sir. I was there, I would have noticed."
He dismissed me. As I was leaving, I said, "Sir, about my complaint."
"I think we can overlook it this once." he said. |
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| Inspection |
[Mar. 15th, 2006|04:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  infuriated | ] |
We had an inspection today by a female technician. This little lady was supposed to tell us if we had been doing our jobs properly. I lodged a formal complaint, of course, but I suspect it will be ignored.
I tried to be pleasant to her. I began a pleasant conversation about what a nice girl like her was doing in a place like this and whether she wanted to do a thorough inspection of some rather special equipment. She looked me up and down and said, "That probably wouldn't take very long, and most of your equipment is probably obsolete, isn't it?"
I said, "Woman, are you impugning my manhood?"
She gave me another withering glance and said, "I didn't realise you had one." Then she flounced off to finish her inspection.
I have always said, spaceships are no place for women, even lesbians like her! |
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| Things a Man Should Know |
[Feb. 26th, 2006|04:40 pm] |
1. How to hunt and kill his own food. It is good to know how to cook it over a campfire, charring the outside a little, but if you feel the urge to add herbs or sauces, resist! Women cook.
2. How to impress a woman. They say women fall in love through their ears, so the following sure-fire lines should help:
a) You are beautiful and would look even more beautiful flat on your back.
b) I can have any woman I want and, guess what, you just got lucky!
c) We both know we're going to have sex, so let's get it out of the way now.
d) You're a pretty girl. Do you want to sit on my knee?
e) I'm told you're intelligent, so I assume you won't be turning me down.
3. How to fight. A man should always be ready to grapple with any man who challenges him. There is nothing quite like wrapping your arms around a strong man and wrestling him to the ground. It's better than sex, it really is, and usually lasts much longer.
4. How to perform basic maintenance tasks on manly technology (ie not computers).
5. How to think without computers. Vital, this one. If you let a computer do your thinking for you, everything you do is predictable by computers. Tarrant understood that. I miss Tarrant, although, naturally, there was nothing dodgy in my feelings for him. Male bonding is very important.
I demand a recount on this:
Also, I have a question about this subtle object:
Which Blake's 7 villain are you?
this quiz was made by Auntie Krizu(:>)
Is this as positive as it sounds, or am I being put down in some subtle alpha/beta way? |
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| To Introduce Myself |
[Feb. 24th, 2006|10:08 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
- Jarvik is the male seed of a flower blossom which has been gathered and treated by bees.
- Jarvik has 118 ridges around the edge.
- Jarvik was the first Tsar of Russia!
- Jarvik is the last letter of the Greek alphabet.
- All shrimp are born as Jarvik, but gradually mature into females.
- Jarvik will often glow under UV light.
- The International Space Station weighs about 500 tons and is the same size as Jarvik!
- A lump of Jarvik the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court.
- In the 1600s, tobacco was frequently prescribed to treat headaches, bad breath and Jarvik.
- The air around Jarvik is superheated to about five times the temperature of the sun.
Number 10 is actually true.
( Read more... ) |
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