Jarvik's Guide to Manhood

I wonder where they went

Tue, 15 May 2007 14:46:37 GMT

Shoreleave today, and I left the ship and went to a bar called "Mareschal" where I found two very pretty girls unattended. I went over to them and the conversation went like this:

Me: Hello, girls! Are you all alone?

PG1: No, there are two of us.

Me: I like a woman with wit.

PG2: Is she not here today?

Me: Two such pretty girls shouldn't be alone. Can I buy you a drink?

PG1: Can I pour it over you?

Me: Feeling frisky, are you?

PG2: He obviously doesn't get subtle hints.

At this point they whispered for a while, then:

PG1: Want to go somewhere more secluded?

Me: Fine!

PG1: Go to that storage area across the avenue. Take off all your clothes and then whistle.

Naturally, I did as they said. Something must have delayed them, though. Instead of two nubile beauties, my whistle attracted a very interested man who made an indecent suggestion.

Thu, 03 May 2007 21:13:57 GMT

Which random phallic object are you?
Quiz by Andrea.

Thu, 03 May 2007 21:04:36 GMT

*A Bit Different From The Norm =]*
Basic Bullshit.
What's your name?:	Jarvik
Your age would be nice to know.:	Old enough
Are you single or taken?:	I do the taking
Randomization.
What is your least favorite color?:	Pink
What is the last thing on earth that you would like to do right now?:	Read a romance
What clothes are you wearing?:	My uniform!
What color is your bedroom?:	Not my choice.
What is your least favorite food?:	Anything delicate and girly.
What is your favorite food?:	MEAT
And your least favorite drink would be...?:	Nasty soppy drinks with cherries
In all honesty does myspace take up a great deal of your life?:	No
If you could be any age, what would it be?:	20
Are you satisfied with the way you look and act?:	Yes. I am impressive.
Is Bzoink a website that you visit often?:	No.
Do you do drugs and/or alcohol on a regular basis?:	I'm a Federation man, what do you think?
Do you think you are capable of not eating for 5 days?:	Yes. I am tough
What food and drink could you live off for the rest of your life?:	Meat and beer
Boys and Girls Are Fun.
Do looks really matter?:	Yes
Does size really matter?:	Yes
Have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend?:	Girlfriends, lots.
If so, how long was that relationship?:	Mostly overnight
What is your longest?:	Two days.
What quality do you find most attractive in a boy/girl?:	Active legs, inactive brain
Are you a virgin?:	No
If you are not, do you regret doing it with the person you lost "it" to?:	No
If you are a virgin, are you in a rush to not be one anymore?:
Is PDA disgusting?:	I don't know him/her/it.
Is there anything that you would change about your significant other?:	Don't have one
Do you think you could marry a high school sweetheart?:	I don't think the teachers would let me
Would you ever consider having a long distance relationship?:	No.
Long or Short hair?:	Either
Blue eyes or Brown eyes?:	Either
Tan or light skin?:	Either
Looks or Brains?:	Looks. Who needs a woman that thinks?
Words Associations Are The Best!
Orange.:	toolbox
Cell phone.:	prison communicator
Break.:	Bend
Music.:	Soppy
Samantha.:	?????
Love.:	Soft
Time.:	Wasting
Crash.:	smash
Home.:	A woman's place
Animals.:	What real men are
Sleep.:	lightly
Sex.:	MALE
Death.:	Doesn't scare me
Long Distance.:	weaponry
Winner.:	takes all
Gold.:	medallion
Goodbye.:	and thanks for last night, whoever you are
Running.:	from girly stuff
Lie.:	low
This or That.
7up or Sprite?:	I'd rather drink coolant
Coke or Pepsi?:	As above
Boy or Girl?:	Girls are better for amusement, boys are better for fighting
Run or Swim?:	Either
Drive or Fly?:	Fly
Ferrari or Corvet?:	???
VW or Ford?:	Fords are better for crossing rivers.
Cellular Device or Computer?:	Hate both
Sex or Foreplay?:	Sex. What is this thing called foreplay?
O.C.D or A.D.D?:	????????
Boyfriend/Girlfriend or Friend?:	Friend. Two men, discussing man stuff, like how to hunt wildebeest
Mom or Dad?:	Neither
Brother or Sister?:	Neither
Food or Drink?:	Both
Friends Aren't So Fun Sometimes.
Do you have any friends that you cannot depend on?:	Yes. Many vanish just when it's their round
Do you have a best friend whom you can depend on?:	No.
Do you have more male or female friends?:	Of course. Can't be friends with totty.
Are they crazy or quiet, or both?:	Both
Is your best friend your boyfriend/girlfriend?:	No. Weird idea
Do you sometimes hate your friends?:	Yes
How long is your longest friendship?:	Six years
Do you and your friends take myspace pictures together?:	No
What do you and your friends normally do when you hang out?:	Drink, talk about women, wrestle a bit.
What is your best friend's name?:	Madrus
How old is he/she?:	36
Are You Afraid Of...
Death?:	NO
Flying?:	NO
Birds?:	NO
Dogs?:	NO
The Light?:	NO
Drowning?:	NO
Crossing bridges?:	NO
Life?:	NO
PDA?:	????
Crossing the street?:	NO
Walking around alone?:	NO. I am a lone wolf
The dark?:	NO
Cemetaries?:	NO
Physically fighting?:	I love it
Confrontation?:	NO
The opposite sex?:	Scared of totty? That's stupid.
Take this survey \| Find more surveys \| MySpace Surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

Overheard.

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 23:17:26 GMT

I was compared to a wild animal today. One officer said he'd heard I fought like one. His friend then said he heard I ate like one and then the first said I certainly smell like one. Clearly they have recognised the power of my inner beast.

Who says eavesdroppers hear no good of themselves. One also said I was "unique, and most unlikely to breed." He must have seen that I am not made for the soft pursuits of family and home. I am a wild man.

A Colour Meme

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 12:25:55 GMT

RED
1. Closest red thing to you? A notebook containing my notes for "Men and the Art of Manliness". I don't trust computers.
2. Last thing to make you angry? People who snigger.
3. Do you have a temper? Yes. I am a real man with real manly responses and I get ANGRY!
4. Are you a fan of romance? That's for girls!.

ORANGE
1. Closest orange thing to you? My tool box, filled with big, chunky, aggressive-looking tools.
2. Do you like to burn things? Yes, man is a maker of fire. woman is a maker of toast.
3. Dress up for Halloween? Who is she and what does she want me to dress as?
4. Are you usually a warm-hearted person? NO! I am a MAN!
5. Are you usually full of energy? Yes, and testosterone.

YELLOW
1. Closest yellow thing to you? A Delta grade technician who flinches whenever I playfully wave a hammer at him.
2. The happiest time[s] of your life? Serving the Federation with a young chap called Tarrant. Promising lad.
3. Favourite holiday?   I once went on a pub crawl in Space City. A lot of pubs. A lot of crawling.
4. Are you a coward? No. I fear nothing!
5. Do you burn or tan? I tan. I do not have girly skin.

GREEN
1. Closest green thing to you? My drink.
2. Do you care about the environment? Yes. I keep an eye on how the life support computers are arranging it. Can't trust technology.
3. Are you jealous of anyone right now?   Why should I be jealous? I get all the totty. I am strong and handsome and brave.
4. Are you a lucky person? It's skill, not luck.
5. Do you always want what you can't have? Yes.
6. Do you like being outdoors? Real men enjoy getting out in the wind and rain, getting close to their inner wildman.
7. Are you Irish? No. I think I knew him once.

BLUE
1. Closest blue thing to you? My uniform.
2. Are you good at calming people down? No. My presence is too exciting.
3. Do you like the sea? It's a bit girly. All that paddling and looking for shells. I like the sea in a storm.
4. What was the last thing that made you cry? I don't cry. Girls cry.
5. Are you a logical thinker? Yes. All men are.
6. Can you sleep easily? Yes, I just empty my mind of all thought and ... Oh, sorry, nodded off again.

PURPLE
1. Closest purple thing to you? Purple is too close to pink. I want none of it!
2. Like being treated to expensive things? Yes, but not by women.
3. Do you like mysterious things? No. I like things simple.
4. Favourite type of chocolate? It's for girls.
5. Ever met anyone from myspace? Where is your space?
6. Are you creative? I am brilliant!

PINK
1. Closest pink thing to you? What are you implying?
2. Do you like sweet things? I'm going to punch you in a minute.
3. Like play-fighting? Yes. Men should indulge in mock battles, gripping each other firmly and wrestling each other into submission.
4. Are you sensitive? No. I am male.
5. Do you like punk music? Is it manly?

WHITE
1. Closest white thing to you? The Delta grade technician. He's deathly pale now. I wasn't even going to hit him!
2. Would you say you're innocent? No. I'm a man of the worlds.
3. Always try to keep the peace? No, I like a good fight.
4. How do you imagine your wedding? No woman will ever tame me!
5. Do you like to play in the snow? I don't play.
6. Are you afraid of going to the doctor or the dentist? I fear nothing. Anyway, I don't need to go. I'm fine. Why? Are they about?

BLACK
1. Closest black thing to you? A hammer.
2. Ever enjoy hurting people? Yes.
3. Are you sophisticated or silly? Sophisticated in a rugged sort of way.
4. Would you like to go to space? I am in space.
5. Do you have a lot of secrets? Not a lot.
6. What is your favourite colour? Blue.
7. Does the colour you wear affect your mood? I don't have moods. I'm not some woman!

Tahe.

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 11:35:15 GMT

There are two cadets on this ship now. One is in awe of me and asks me often for advice, the other seems to be sniggering whenever I go past. His name is Tahe.

Yesterday, Tahe was sent to help me. He worked hard and well, but said little. When we stopped for a break, I asked him if he disliked me and he said, "My mother told me not to talk to strange men, and you're the strangest so far." He was a bit girly in appearance, so I assumed he must be nervous, being near such a dominant male, but then he said, "Why do you do all this macho stuff? You seem to be overcompensating for something."

"Are you suggesting," I said, "That I have some reason to overcompensate?"

He smiled and said, "You? You're as butch as Oscar Wilde!"

I didn't recognise the name, but it does sound a good virile name with no hint of girliness, so I thanked him. He sniggered again.

"What are you laughing at?" I asked.

He shrugged and said, "Just the vicissitudes of life."

"Oh, them." I said, "They're buggers, aren't they?"

He went off sniggering. I can't decide if he's making fun of me.

Men and Women

Thu, 30 Mar 2006 13:54:04 GMT

I am often asked, "Jarvik, what makes a man manly and a woman womanly?"

Here are some gender differences.

Women ask directions. Men know the way.
Women cry. Men give a manly shrug.
Women fall in love. Men spread their seed.
Women are feeble. Men are strong.
Women are pretty. Men are rugged.
Women cannot do technical things. Men can.
All women secretly want to nurture offspring. All men find this degrading and boring and would rather be drinking.
Women are emotional. Men are rational.
Women are friendly towards one another (a harem or herd mentality). Men are rivals.
Women speak in complicated codes. Men are simple and straightforward.
Women are deceitful. Men are honourable.
Women want to be mastered. Men want to be obeyed.
Women gossip. Men speak meaningfully about serious things.
Women are nervous. Men are fearless.

My Complaint

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 09:39:40 GMT

As I feared, my complaint about the female technician was treated as if it were just time-wasting nonsense. I even got called into my superior's quarters and he asked why I made the complaint. I told him that she was meant to be inspecting the work of male technicians.

"She is a technician." he said.

Well, yes, she has had some technical training, but she cannot, by definition, be called a craftsman. I knew that telling him that would be useless so I decided to keep it basic. "Women," I said, "Are not the same as men."

"I applaud your discovery, Jarvik." he said.

"Smaller brains, smaller hands." I elaborated.

"Her qualifications are better than yours."

"I worked for mine."

"Meaning?"

"She's attractive. She didn't need to work."

He sighed and stared off into the distance and I knew he was beginning to reflect upon the folly of having totty on ships. After a while he said, "Jarvik, have you ever actually spoken to a woman?"

"Many times." I said.

"I mean something more than crude suggestions and implying that they shouldn't be here. Have you ever discussed philosophy or politics with a woman?"

"No mental capacity for it, sir." I said, imagining trying to make the average woman understand such lofty things.

He sighed again, "Probably not. By the way, she said she was propositioned by a crude and offensive creep."

"Pure fantasy, sir. I was there, I would have noticed."

He dismissed me. As I was leaving, I said, "Sir, about my complaint."

"I think we can overlook it this once." he said.

Inspection

Wed, 15 Mar 2006 16:48:27 GMT

We had an inspection today by a female technician. This little lady was supposed to tell us if we had been doing our jobs properly. I lodged a formal complaint, of course, but I suspect it will be ignored.

I tried to be pleasant to her. I began a pleasant conversation about what a nice girl like her was doing in a place like this and whether she wanted to do a thorough inspection of some rather special equipment. She looked me up and down and said, "That probably wouldn't take very long, and most of your equipment is probably obsolete, isn't it?"

I said, "Woman, are you impugning my manhood?"

She gave me another withering glance and said, "I didn't realise you had one." Then she flounced off to finish her inspection.

I have always said, spaceships are no place for women, even lesbians like her!

Things a Man Should Know

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 17:05:50 GMT

1. How to hunt and kill his own food. It is good to know how to cook it over a campfire, charring the outside a little, but if you feel the urge to add herbs or sauces, resist! Women cook.

2. How to impress a woman. They say women fall in love through their ears, so the following sure-fire lines should help:

a) You are beautiful and would look even more beautiful flat on your back.

b) I can have any woman I want and, guess what, you just got lucky!

c) We both know we're going to have sex, so let's get it out of the way now.

d) You're a pretty girl. Do you want to sit on my knee?

e) I'm told you're intelligent, so I assume you won't be turning me down.

3. How to fight. A man should always be ready to grapple with any man who challenges him. There is nothing quite like wrapping your arms around a strong man and wrestling him to the ground. It's better than sex, it really is, and usually lasts much longer.

4. How to perform basic maintenance tasks on manly technology (ie not computers).

5. How to think without computers. Vital, this one. If you let a computer do your thinking for you, everything you do is predictable by computers. Tarrant understood that. I miss Tarrant, although, naturally, there was nothing dodgy in my feelings for him. Male bonding is very important.

I demand a recount on this:

Also, I have a question about this subtle object:

Which Blake's 7 villain are you?

this quiz was made by Auntie Krizu(:>)

Is this as positive as it sounds, or am I being put down in some subtle alpha/beta way?

To Introduce Myself

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 11:18:18 GMT

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Jarvik!

Jarvik is the male seed of a flower blossom which has been gathered and treated by bees.
Jarvik has 118 ridges around the edge.
Jarvik was the first Tsar of Russia!
Jarvik is the last letter of the Greek alphabet.
All shrimp are born as Jarvik, but gradually mature into females.
Jarvik will often glow under UV light.
The International Space Station weighs about 500 tons and is the same size as Jarvik!
A lump of Jarvik the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court.
In the 1600s, tobacco was frequently prescribed to treat headaches, bad breath and Jarvik.
The air around Jarvik is superheated to about five times the temperature of the sun.

Number 10 is actually true.

1. Where were you when the ball dropped for 2006? What ball? What 2006?

2. How did you get the idea for your profile name? I am Jarvik and I am a MAN

3. What time were you born? The right time

4. What song are you playing now, or wish you were playing? Walk Like A MAN

5. Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry? MEN don't cry.

6. What color underwear are you wearing? Really butch red

7. Do you want a baby? Girls have babies

8. What did you do this morning? Press-ups followed by some mild ogling of women.

9. What does your dad do for a living? Nothing. He's dead

10. What ended your last relationship(s)? Well, it was morning.

11. Do you have a date for Valentines? I can have any woman I want

12. What are the last 2 digits of your phone number? I don't have a phone number

13. What was the last concert you attended? Pop concerts are a bit girly, aren't they?

14. Who was with you? I don't go to girly concerts

15. What was the last movie you watched? Something with a lot of blood, gore and nudity. Now I come to think of it, it may have been Servalan's home vids.

16. Who do you dislike at the moment? Computers and men who submit to computers and all those fools who let Servalan, who isjust a girl, tell them what to do.

17. What food do you crave right now? Spotted Dick

18. Did you dream last night? Yes, about hunting mammoth.

19. What was the last TV show you watched? TV? Isn't that someone who wears women's clothing? I like women's clothing on the floor of my bedroom. I don't wear it!

20. What is your favorite piece of jewelry? Gaaaaaahhhh! Do I look like a girl to you?

21. What was the last thing you ate? Curry

23. Write a song lyric that's in your head? Don't keep any there

24. Are you on any meds? Only standard Federation ones to keep me operating well.

25. What side of the bed do you sleep on? In the middle, between the two girls

26. What shirt are you wearing? A really manly one that shows my huge muscles.

27. What is your favorite frozen treat? I like ice cream, but only vanilla and in a very non-girly way.

28. How many tattoos/piercings do you have? I have some tattoos, because I'm not afraid of pain, but no piercings, because they are a bit suspect, aren't they?

29. What's your favorite store? Any storeroom with space for me and a girl is fine.

36. What song(s) do you think ex's listen to and think of you?
Macho Man

37. What song(s) do you listen to and think of ex's? Think of them? What, you mean afterwards? I don't think I do.

38. What is one thing you wish you were better at? I'd like to be more in touch with my inner caveman.

39. What hurts you? Anything propelled at speed into my groin.

40. Do you like the person who posted this last? Don't know

Who..

Is your best friend? I used to have a friend called Tarrant. We had this manly affection thing. It's not true that I fancied him.

Is your best old school mate? I didn't really have many friends. People found me threatening.

Is your celebrity crush? Servalan

Is your hero? Tarrant, but in a definitely non-fancying sort of way.

Makes you laugh? Manhood is a serious business

Makes you smile? The words, "You're so manly!"

What....

Is your favorite movie? Dirk Manley and the Maidens of Nymphonia

Is your favorite book? Gender Politics: When Totty Gets Tricky

Is your dream vacation? Shooting things all day and carousing all night

Book are you reading now? 101 Best Chat Up Lines

Magazines are you subscribed to? Wild and Rugged, Troopers' News, Big Breasted Women With Spaceships, Survival Hints.

Grade are you in? What does a grade tell you? Would I be somehow superior if I were a Beta?

Are you wearing right now? Manly yet practical things.

Are you drinking right now? Beer

Are you eating right now? Raw meat

Is your favorite band? Haven't thought about it

What...

Is your favorite flavor ice cream? I told you, vanilla.

Is your favorite candy? That's for girls

Is your favorite tv show? I told you, I don't ever wear women's clothing!

Is your favorite color? Blue

When...

Is your birthday? It's the anniversary of the day I was born

Are you taking your next vacation? No idea

Was your sibling born? I don't want to talk about them. Imagine dressing a little boy up in ribbons! It's a miracle I didn't turn funny.

Do you eat dinner? When it is served

Do you usually finish your homework? I'm a bit old for homework but always willing to revise anatomy

Do you usually wake up? When the lights go on

Do you usually go to sleep? When the lights go off

Does summer vacation begin for you? It doesn't

Is the next important date in your life? Important date is an oxymoron, like "significant other"

Where...

Was the last place you went on vacation? An R&R station

Is your computer? Generally I avoid computers

Is your favorite mall? What is a mall?

Do you go to eat a great meal? The mess

In the world would you go if you got the chance? Somewhere with strippers or good hunting

Is your cell phone right now? Cell phone?

Do you do your make-up? Please look up the word MAN. Men do not use make-up.

Do you live? Here

Are you throwing your next party? Parties are a bit girly

How...

Do you get to school/college/uni? I don't

Do you get around to friends' houses? I walk, on my feet.

Did you get your name? My parents gave it to me.

tall are you? Very tall!

smart/stupid are you? Very smart.

Much money do you get from allowance? I am well-paid by the Federation

Much longer until school/college/uni ends? I left education behind long ago.